Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize