so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
