I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I will be naked everywhere
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
