were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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