I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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