I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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