why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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