I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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