They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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