I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
