I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
He shit in the fireplace
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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