So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Randomize
