I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
