Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
