I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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