I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
