I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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