you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize