I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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