Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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