I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
