Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
