How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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