I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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