he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
