Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
