Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think people are normalizing furries
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
