i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
