i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
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