He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
