What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
