So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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