just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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