apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Randomize
