Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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