everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
