3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
