She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
