when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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