you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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