I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
