I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
