but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
