Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
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