He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
