You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
