I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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