I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
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