i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
try to milk me bitch
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
