2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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