You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Randomize