My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
