I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize