Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
