if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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