Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize