Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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