3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
