Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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