I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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