Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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