the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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