i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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