You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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